Posted on

Being a Dad is hard

I really think that we don’t give Dad’s enough credit for how hard being a Dad is. In fact most of what we hear about Dad’s is about how so and so walked away from their family, or how little this Dad does. Dad are often referred to as babysitters, secondary carers instead of primary carers and for the vast majority of Dad’s this does them a MASSIVE disservice.

From the get go of parenting it’s all focused on the Mum. SHE gets pregnant, SHE is tired, SHE has morning sickness, SHE has all the appointments, SHE is asked how she’s feeling, SHE feels those kicks, SHE gives birth (although I suspect many Dad’s are quite grateful that one’s not on their heads!!). Then as you move into actual parenting chances are SHE is breastfeeding, SHE is recovering from birth either natural or csection, SHE gets time off with the baby, SHE gets to go and eat cake and drink tea with her friends. SHE also has the weight to lose, most of the sleepless nights and the pressure of feeding a baby all on her shoulders (if she’s breastfeeding) but that’s an aside note!!

Dad’s cant make their wives sickness and tiredness go away, Dad’s miss so many firsts, Dad’s go back to work whilst still get disturbed sleep, Dad’s watch on as breastfeeding wives struggle with the pain and frustration of feeding, Dad’s see how tired their wives are getting and can’t do much to help. For the first 6 months much of their wives attention and energy is focussed on this little alien who has burst into family life and destroyed all you thought you knew about parenting.

All a Dad can often do at first is just support his wife. I say ‘all’ as if that’s not much but actually to an exhausted and emotional mum, support is EVERYTHING.

Both our boys were born by csection. Zac an emergency after a long labour that had awake for a whole night and saw me in hospital for 5 days partially due to Zac having jaundice, and Sully a planned calm csection which I was home from after 26 hours. Both required me being looked after and supported and particularly after Sully this is exactly what Ross did. He looked after Zac, he made me drinks and meals, he passed me Sully in the middle of the night, changed all of the nappies and basically worked his bum off to look after me and the boys, he certainly did not get a holiday for his paternity leave!

He supported me with breastfeeding even when i was in pain and frustrated. He never suggested I should give up and even told the midwife off for not listening to me when I said I wasn’t willing to give a bottle yet.

Then when dealing with a toddler he often misses the calm and content morning Zac and gets to deal with tired, fiesty, shouting, grumpy, volatile Zac having done a long and exhasting day at work. I’m also incredibly blessed that he comes home and cooks dinner for his family. He does amazes me.

Sully is still in that under 6 month phase when its limited what a Dad can do, especially with a breastfed baby (I know I keep saying it but that’s the only first hand experience I have) but his face lights up and beams when he sees his Dad and he definitely loves Daddy kisses!!

Zac is all about his daddy. In my opinion that is testament to the present and active role that Ross has chosen to take in Zac’s life.

So yeah, being a Dad is hard but I’m proud of the Dad of my boys, even if i do lots of moaning… sorry Ross!

 

IMG_8781

Posted on

Gratitude

I lead small group this week on gratitude. The discipline of being grateful, especial grateful to God.

We’ve looked at a whole of load of spiritual disciplines but there’s something about gratitude that makes it very accessible and very uplifting to practice both for yourself and for the people around you.

Gratitude is best practiced not just in our time with God but in our every day lives. It’s about taking an attitude of wanting more and turning it into an attitude of abundance. When we look on what we have with an attitude of abundance we take away room for jealousy and bitterness and comparison. Living with an attitude of abundance allows us to see just how very much we have.

I know it’s easy to look at hard times in life and think well what do I have? I suspect there is a part of me that does this when I think about missing my mum. God did something very wise in me when he blessed us with Sully just two weeks after mum died. It stopped me from constantly dwelling on what I did not have. To be grateful and excited for a little baby on the way at the time was incredibly hard. How can you mourn and be excited at the same time? You can’t really. You bounce from one emotion to another, feeling guilty about both emotions because you feel you should feel sad but feel guilty because you should also be happy. But as I look back on it now I see that the blessing of Sully, and Zac, and Ross and all of my precious friends, stopped me from dwelling too hard and too long on what I did not have.

God has a generous heart. By sending Jesus he gave us more than we ever deserved. When we are at rock bottom our gratitude remains because our gratitude is not based on our circumstances but on a person, Jesus Christ.

When we give God the praise and thanks that he deserves for everything from running water to new jobs, from growing flowers to financial provision, from roofs over heads to clothes on our back, we live knowing that God has given us SUPERABUNDANTLY more than we deserve.

How great He is and how remiss I am in recognising just how much He provides.

Gratitude needs a response. Without a response gratitude is like wrapping a present but never giving it! 

Posted on

Who goes with you?

IMG_2454Community is a beautiful thing. Real community is there in good times and in bad. They stretch us and encourage us to grow and become better versions of us. They keep us accountable and they hit us with spoons when we do stupid things – normally metaphorically not literally!

I’ve found myself pondering my small group of friends and I found myself feeling sad that I have so few friends in recent days and weeks. I know a lot of people but I’m not sure I have that many friends.

I know this sounds like a sob story and truth be told for much of the time I’ve been pondering my friendships and community I probably have been looking at it as more of a sob story.

However, there’s a but, a big BUT. The friendships that I have, the people who I spend my time with, the people who spend their precious time with me and invest in me are precious and amazing friends.

They are the types of people who I want to help, invest in, build up, encourage but also to challenge to do more, different, less, change and just generally be the best that they can be. I want that because whether verbally or through their actions that what they do for me.

Who goes with you? Who challenges you to be the best person you can be? Who really wants a bunch of yes men around them who pay lip service but not heart service.

Yes my group of friends is small. Yes there are times when I wish I had a bigger pool to pull from (to be less of a burden more than anything) but this group are friends are the perfect group of friends for who I am now and where God would have me go.

I am BEYOND grateful.

Posted on

Bottom of the pile or worth the effort?

Do you see yourself as worth it?
For years I, without knowing it, did not believe I was worth it. Now by it I mean the effort from myself or from others.
For years I tried to lose weight using weight watchers, tesco diets and slimming world. For years I would lose a bit of weight and then stop and start putting it back on.
For years I put myself at the bottom of the pile thinking that everyone else’s needs were more important and needed to be met before my own.
For years I put myself down and thought negatively about everything I did and everything that was said to me as a compliment.
Then after a life changing moment of heartbreak and the encouragement of a friend I started to realise that I was worth effort. I was valuable and mattered. My feelings didn’t always have to be compromised for the sake of others. My losing weight was important and worth putting effort into because I was worth putting effort into and it mattered to me.
The key phrases from the course Freedom in Christ ;
“I am accepted
I am secure
I am significant”
I began, with a whole lot of help from God, to change a mindset that which had been so deeply instilled in me from so many sources which should have been instilling the complete opposite that I had not spent any of my adult life believing any differently. In conversation that made me feel down and insignificant I would repeat in my head the three phrases above. When a negative thought came into head I would remind myself of those phrases.
I also had prayer and that opened the freedom from negative thoughts using what I now know to be God’s whisper to correct thoughts of maybe even 15 years history. Whispers from God about being worth time, him seeing me as beautiful, wanting the best for me, looking after my heart and building me up those helped to change my mindset!
So having had my mindset changed and having found a way of losing weight which worked for my personality type I started to see progress in something that meant so much to me. I invested time in myself and what I needed to do to stay on track and I was proud and encouraged by those around me.
Do you believe that you are worth the effort? Chances are if you consistently put yourself right at the bottom of giant pile telling yourself you do because you are called to serve others that you don’t recognise your need to made to feel worth it. It’s exhausting to love from a tank that is empty.
Posted on

Percecption vs reality

There are so many people who put so much effort into making it appear like life is perfect. It’s odd that we seem to think that showing weakness, errors, issues and failures is wrong when actually we all experiences them. The problem with perceptions is in moments of weakness we think we are the only ones who have those moments of we don’t know who to turn to who may have gone through similar.
I remember particularly feeling it when we were experiencing infertility and will always be eternally grateful to the couple we knew who’d been there before us who were open and honest and supported and loved even when our sadness reminded them of the sadness they had experienced. That’s when I tried to be real with people. When most people asked if we had kids I’d respond honestly. Some people were taken aback, others it gave them the chance to see they weren’t alone as they were experiencing the same issues and others it just allowed them to love us.
As a mum I know it’s easy to give off a perception of life being perfect and I know that often we only share the positives but I try to be real and honest. I try to show vulnerability and tough times as well as moments of pride and enjoyment. I’m not there, but I’m working on it!!
Right now my toddler is ill on the sofa on one side of me watching Bing (seriously there’s a rabbit who’s needs a parent – maybe more on that another day!!!!) and a grumpy screaming baby who quite rightly is tired and wants a nap. My dilemma is if I put the baby to bed the toddler loses his hugs that he says he NEEDS!! I shall leave you with my dilemma!!
Posted on

Bittersweet

Have you come across the idea of bittersweet? The idea is that we need the bitter to grow and to make the sweet, feel sweet.
“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” Shauna Niequist

It’s hard to imagine being thankful for the experience of a parent dying. In fact, it’s ridiculous to imagine it BUT actually the practice of living a bittersweet life allows you to look at the circumstances around the situation and be thankfully for what it reveals. Friends who are there; cry with you, step up when you just can’t go on, who help in emotional and physical ways, are revealed in the bittersweet of the circumstances. It’s easy to see this in the early days of grief.

What’s taken longer is the bittersweet thankfulness of what God is doing in my mum death in me. God is using the experience, the vulnerability, the passion for keeping her name alive, to grow me as a woman, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a writer, a creative spirit but most importantly a child of God.

When mum suddenly died it was like her light suddenly went out but as I reflect now I see that she leaves behind a legacy of lights in her husband, her children, her friends and family to keep her faith alive. Particularly for me and my husband we are trying to keep her presence real with our boys so that they know the faith Granny Sue had (she was grandma when she was alive but Zac was getting confused with his other grandma!) and how much love she would have shown them!

As I explore what it means to be a part of Mum’s legacy and all God has called me to be I’m praying God will guide my path.

Please understand I’m certainly not saying I am grateful my mum is gone. I miss her daily, sometimes hourly. I miss her part in my adventure and I hate that she is gone. I do not believe she was taken to teach me a lesson or that somehow her death was a positive thing but I have to believe in a God who deals with the bitter and can show me the sweet around it. I’m not sure I explain myself very well on this topic!!

Posted on

To build up or squash down?

When I sat down this morning after my time with God reading my bible plans and praying to be creative in my me and God time I found a blank piece of paper and a pen but no inspiration to DO anything. I’d no thoughts on how to express myself. And the more I think about it the more sad that makes me.
I loved being creative when I was younger. I drew and I painted and chalked and used charcoals and tries to express myself thought something creative and I loved it. I’d spend hours drawing something from a picture or sat looking at a view.
But one day someone told me I wasn’t creative. They told me I couldn’t draw. What I did just wasn’t good enough. That was my art teacher at the age of 14. The funny thing was at no point had I thought of doing art for GCSE but she felt the need to tell me not to. And from that point until very recently my creative drawing spark went out leaving the occasional cake as the only visible creative out let.
The power that voice had over me put out something which I enjoyed for 15 years because by her standards I was not good enough. But the voices I have around me today encourage me to express myself and build me and it ignites that desire to more, express more, create more.
That is the power of our words. We can put out flames of passion and interest in seconds or we can carefully and sensitively build people up to help them grow, develop and improve.
I want to be one of those people who uses my words to encourage and not tear down. To stretch and not squash. To express honestly in love recognising that my words have power.
I’m hoping when I sit down tomorrow in front of me will be a pieces of paper and a pen and in my heart will be the words or pictures that I would long to draw! I’m also praying Sully stays asleep long enough to let me!!! 😉
Posted on

A someone or a somebody?

It’s so difficult to see yourself as someone who can be a somebody. Someone of use. Someone with a role no one else can play. Someone with influence. I find myself torn between liking the idea that I could be involved in something new and fearing that I am not the person who is meant to do. I mean I’m the one in the background who’s happy to facilitate. To do the dodgy jobs to help something happen – I’ve memories of walking up and down our church (the corridors are LONG) 3 times in the space of 10 minutes to find cups at 8.5 months pregnant – its wasn’t glamorous, it wasn’t practical but it was me and fitted my personality. How is it then, that you step out of the comfort zone which seems so in tune with your personality and be in a deliberate place of influence?!
I suspect I know the answer. Gods grace and purpose can overrid my fear, IF I let Him. Problem is my overthinking and worry that I am not who others see me as. The issue is that my voice will always be louder than the voices of those around me and I’ve learnt, and apparently forgotten, time and time again that when I change my inner voice to recognise the outer voices my fear is swept away.

However, right now, in this moment in time, I’m still not convinced I’m the woman that people see me as! I’m not convinced I am a woman with influence.
I’m open to God’s whisper to contradict me so here’s leaving that one to you God!
Posted on

1 year on – who was Sue? Her faith

I find it really hard to think of Mum as a woman of faith because although she was and I knew she was, it’s only really since her death that I’ve recognised the things she did in the name of her faith.

  • Sue believed in an active, real, present, speaking, healing, powerful, life changing God.
  • She believed that he knew what He was doing with her life – she often used the phrase ‘God knows’ when talking to people about uncertainty.
  • Sue was generous with all that she had, particularly her gifts and her time and where she could her money.
  • She believed that reading his word helped have more a relationship with Him
  • She was committed to church even when the people drove her NUTS (thankfully it had been a good few years since this had been the case!)
  • She put others before herself, particularly children and us as teenagers taking on our youth group to ensure we were taught despite hating doing it
  • She was faithful
  • She was grateful
  • She rarely moaned

 

And the crazy thing is that when you look back over the years of illness and much time bed bound or HUGELY limited in what she could do and how long she could do it, of moving around churches when she was settled and happy for Dad’s worth and for loss that she had to deal with in her life she STILL had the faith listed above and probably more that I’ve yet to even think of.

Posted on

1 year one – who was Sue? Grandma

Mum was known as Grandma while she was alive. We recently made the decision to change it Granny or Granny Sue. We found that when we talked about Grandma or Grandma Sue, Zac would still think we talking about Ross’ mum Grandma and we wanted her to be defined because she LOVED being a Grandma.

When Mum died for ages on my mental to do list was to write down for Zac what Granny Sue did for him and with him as he won’t remember it himself. For a long time it was too painful, then it just kept slipping my mind so I never got round to it.

Some words to describe Mum as Grandma. Over bearing, in your face, over eager, over enthusiatic and potential spoilt brat creator OR generous, hands on, willing, loving, excited, caring, interactive, responsive and communicative. It would swing between the two different feelings to be honest but the old Zac got the more I was glad that she was interactive as much as she was with him.

Mum loved Zac. Zac love Mum. Simple as. He didn’t care what she gave him or anything like that he just knew this lovely lady would try up, try and interactive with him too quickly (bless them both!!) and then play with him as much as she possibly could and as much as he could possibly want. He would love to explore with her and hold her hand and she would love to take him anywhere she could go with him.

I loved the gifts she turned up with. The odd tshirt she’d have found in the sale somewhere or that she couldn’t resist. Toys she’d seen that she thought he would love and she was often very right. Tool kits, cars and trucks and all sorts of baby toys.

She created a good excuse for spoiling him with baby toys. In the 5 weeks she looked after him while I went back to work she could take him into Nottingham city centre on one of the three days. We’d come from work and there’d a be a new toys because she ‘forgot’ to take a toy into town with her!! He loved it and now Sully is seeing the benefits too!

On the note of going into town that’s where mum would feed him up on carrot cake, particularly the icing I think. I remember the Health Visitor asking me if Zac was getting a balanced diet and responding that he was from me but I couldn’t guarantee it from Grandma!

She was so keen for Zac to start walking and talking and excited for all the things they were going to do together and I often find my heart is actually heaviest when I mourn my mum as Grandma for all the things she’s missing and all the things that my boys (and me) are missing out of from her.

She was generous with her time and money and love and hugs and was always sorry that she couldn’t give more than she did despite giving so much.

Sue as a Grandma had a HUGE heart and I know for a fact that she would be loving having two Grandsons to play with. In fact I think she’d have been really torn between having little baby hugs and wanting to explore and play with Zac.