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What I deserve

Do you ever catch yourself thinking that you deserve something? I don’t mean the things that you actually do deserve like money for a job you’ve worked hard on or recognition for a role that you have played. No I mean catching yourself thinking i deserve X, Y or Z but then realise that there’s no reason you can think of that you deserve it. 

That’s what I caught myself doing earlier today. I was thinking about my birthday. A key piece of information you need for this thinking is that I’ve already made a decision to stick to my calorie tracking on the day, in fact I have gone so far that I have planned exactly WHAT I will eat and when so I don’t have to make any choice. Well when thinking about my birthday I caught this little voice in my head saying but you deserve a treat. I think for the first time EVER I heard this lie and I almost laughed out loud about it. It’s so unbelievably not true that I wonder why I’ve ever believed it before. 

Let’s start by looking at the definition for DESERVE: 

“DESERVE, MERIT, and EARN mean to be worthy of something. DESERVE is used when a person should rightly receive something good or bad because of his or her actions or character” Merriam-Webster

“to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.)because of actions, qualities, or situation” Dictionary.com 

Now when I look at those descriptions I that it is very clear that to deserve something you have to have DONE something. You need to have DONE an action to EARN it. So if you take that and look at my thought process about my birthday and a treat I am basically arguing that because I was BORN that means I should have a treat…. Now as a mum I think I find this statement more funny because I know full well that the person that deserve the treat for me being born is not me… my mum earned that treat! 

So I think it’s pretty easy to write off this idea that just because I was born I should be allowed to have a treat. But the thought process didn’t stop there, oh no.

What do I deserve? Not just my stomach and my cravings but the whole entire complete me? Mind, body and soul, what do I really DESERVE?

And in response there’s a clear shout. 

I DESERVE TO BE A HEALTHY WEIGHT. 

I DESERVE TO REACH MY TARGET

I DESERVE TO SUCCEED

I DESERVE TO NOT MAKE THIS JOURNEY LONGER

I DESERVE TO SHOW MYSELF I AM WORTH MORE THAN A SIMPLE TREAT

I DESERVE COMMITMENT

I mean if anyone reading this asked me to help support them lose weight and they turned to me and said it’s my birthday I deserve a treat, I sure as heck wouldn’t just say ‘Sure you do, go eat a weeks worth of calories in one day’. Not a chance. I’d be asking them why. I’d be reminding them of what they are aiming for. I’d be asking them if they really wanted to gain a pound or two or three which they will then have to lose again? I’d be reminding them of how much eating isn’t the answer to having a good time or making something fun. So if I wouldn’t let a friend go wild on their birthday without asking them questions and challenging them why on earth am I allowing myself to do it. 

(You may want to consider if you really would want my help cos if you’ve asked I sure as heck am not going to let you just cheat… not even on your birthday!!) 

So that’s the aim. The aim is to remember that I DESERVE more than a treat. I deserve to be healthy and investment in myself on EVERY day of the year. That’s why my meals are planned. Thats what I will remind myself in the morning. I AM WORTH MORE. And so are you.

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18 months

Do you ever look back over certain time periods in life and wonder how much you have changed? Sometimes nothing seems to change even over long periods. Other times everything seems to change in the blink of an eye. 

I’ve found myself looking back over the 18 months that it is since I last posted here on my blog. I say posted because I’ve sat and I’ve started to write many times but i’ve always been pulled away or got confused or lost in what I’m trying to write. 

18 months is apparently quite a long time and this 18 months in particular for me has been a pretty big deal. 

So this post is my attempt to summarise this time frame knowing that much of what has happened will probably be referred to in the future….!

When I last posted I was trying to find some way to process and battle with the miscarriage of our much wanted third child. In January 2018 we fell pregnant again but unfortunately we lost a second baby to miscarriage just 2 weeks after we found out. We joined just 2% of people who have two concurrent miscarriages. We were heartbroken again but I think in many senses we were numb to it. The grief on top of grief was too much to process.

Just one month later we fell pregnant again. Fear was HUGE. Anxiety through the roof. It was hard to feel excited and I didn’t feel able to dream about this baby’s life. We went for an early scan at just 6 weeks and where I was waiting to hear those much feared words of “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat” the sonographer announced “and there is your baby’s heartbeat”.

It was not an easy pregnancy with sickness, pelvis problems and just general fear. BUT on November 6th 2018, 2 days before her planned c-section, Abigail Hope Johanna Beavis was born. She did not fill the hole that the losses have created but she did complete our family. We still carry grief but we also carry joy. 

Also in the past 18 months we almost had to move out of our home, our oldest started primary school, Ross was made to travel with work, having big impacts on our family life. Ross fell through our ceiling from the loft, we had some holidays to Center Parcs, I ran every day for a month, I battled with lack of discipline and weight gain, our now middle child started playgroup and then more recently moved to nursery school. I started a business, we had a ridiculous heat wave, some of our best friends got married and I navigated more life without my mum. I’ve had a rocky recovery from major surgery and restarted my weight loss journey. I’ve read a number of deeply inspiring books and have been challenged by friendships, small groups and prayer groups to look at identity, personality types and who I am in God. I’ve walked the path of third baby not gaining weight properly and it took a great deal of time to adjust to the idea of being a mum to a girl. Parenting a newborn, parenting 3 children and a change to routine as Ross started a new job have all stretched and challenged me, often very close to the edge of survival. 

It feels like a lot in 18 months. I am not the person I was 18 months ago. BUT I think that is a good thing. 

As my head comes up above some of the newborn fog at 6 months I feel called to start writing again. To go back to some of the things I’ve attempted to write over the past 18 months and to start being obedient to the things that I feel God poking me to write in the hopes that my vulnerability and honest can comfort, inspire or help just one person out there.  

So here’s to the second wave of my WholeheartedJourney blog. I hope you will join me for the ride…..