Do you ever look back over certain time periods in life and wonder how much you have changed? Sometimes nothing seems to change even over long periods. Other times everything seems to change in the blink of an eye.
I’ve found myself looking back over the 18 months that it is since I last posted here on my blog. I say posted because I’ve sat and I’ve started to write many times but i’ve always been pulled away or got confused or lost in what I’m trying to write.
18 months is apparently quite a long time and this 18 months in particular for me has been a pretty big deal.
So this post is my attempt to summarise this time frame knowing that much of what has happened will probably be referred to in the future….!
When I last posted I was trying to find some way to process and battle with the miscarriage of our much wanted third child. In January 2018 we fell pregnant again but unfortunately we lost a second baby to miscarriage just 2 weeks after we found out. We joined just 2% of people who have two concurrent miscarriages. We were heartbroken again but I think in many senses we were numb to it. The grief on top of grief was too much to process.
Just one month later we fell pregnant again. Fear was HUGE. Anxiety through the roof. It was hard to feel excited and I didn’t feel able to dream about this baby’s life. We went for an early scan at just 6 weeks and where I was waiting to hear those much feared words of “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat” the sonographer announced “and there is your baby’s heartbeat”.
It was not an easy pregnancy with sickness, pelvis problems and just general fear. BUT on November 6th 2018, 2 days before her planned c-section, Abigail Hope Johanna Beavis was born. She did not fill the hole that the losses have created but she did complete our family. We still carry grief but we also carry joy.
Also in the past 18 months we almost had to move out of our home, our oldest started primary school, Ross was made to travel with work, having big impacts on our family life. Ross fell through our ceiling from the loft, we had some holidays to Center Parcs, I ran every day for a month, I battled with lack of discipline and weight gain, our now middle child started playgroup and then more recently moved to nursery school. I started a business, we had a ridiculous heat wave, some of our best friends got married and I navigated more life without my mum. I’ve had a rocky recovery from major surgery and restarted my weight loss journey. I’ve read a number of deeply inspiring books and have been challenged by friendships, small groups and prayer groups to look at identity, personality types and who I am in God. I’ve walked the path of third baby not gaining weight properly and it took a great deal of time to adjust to the idea of being a mum to a girl. Parenting a newborn, parenting 3 children and a change to routine as Ross started a new job have all stretched and challenged me, often very close to the edge of survival.
It feels like a lot in 18 months. I am not the person I was 18 months ago. BUT I think that is a good thing.
As my head comes up above some of the newborn fog at 6 months I feel called to start writing again. To go back to some of the things I’ve attempted to write over the past 18 months and to start being obedient to the things that I feel God poking me to write in the hopes that my vulnerability and honest can comfort, inspire or help just one person out there.
So here’s to the second wave of my WholeheartedJourney blog. I hope you will join me for the ride…..